Behind Blue Eyes
by SuperMint
Summary: Ice blue eyes hide the suffering.


I swore off song-name fics when I was about eighteen, but I had to write this and it would be lying to name it otherwise.

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Sunlight taunted through the frosted windows, frosted windows in the summer. Elsa inhaled once, clenched her hands and exhaled. She sat up in her bed, sheets stiff with ice once more; it was always strange that her nightgown didn't freeze to her skin the princess considered, stepping from the bed.

In the washroom she steeled herself and managed to wash without freezing the water, her powers had only become stronger, more uncontrollable as the years had passed. Since her worst ever act. She caught her reflection in the mirror above the wash basin and saw a tear well over from a blue eye and roll down her face, only to freeze on her cheek.

There had been dreams that night, she'd dreamed of happier times; hide and seek around the palace with Anna, building snowmen and playing dolls. Around and about it all the little song they had sung and the claps of the game that went with it.

"Don't feel." She muttered, gripping the edge of the basin, ignoring the layer of ice tracing around the water. "Don't feel." She pulled her hands free from the washbasin, hearing the crack of ice as it released her hands.

Elsa dressed quickly and braided her hair into the neat bun like her mother wore. The itching of power in her fingers crawled under her skin until she could pull her gloves on over her traitorous hands. A knock at the door had her flinching in surprise but the fabric barrier was enough to keep the dresser clear.

"Princess Elsa?" it was Gerda, the housekeeper, she knew about the ice, about Elsa's powers. When Elsa was younger, in the happy times, Gerda had related how the toddler princess had gurgled and cooed in her crib, enchanted and entranced by the snowfall she had made. Gerda was safe, she did not fear her.

"Yes?" Elsa took a last look in the mirror and noticed the still frozen tear; hurriedly she pulled it away, dropping it to the floor.

"Are you ready to come for breakfast or will you be taking it in your room?" Gerda spoke through the door; she well knew that the young heir would not leave her room on some occasions, when the ice was too hard to keep at bay.

"I think I shall dine with the family today." Elsa projected confidence into her voice she did not feel, one of the few useful lessons imparted during her preparations to be become Queen. It was never fair that Gerda could see right through the façade. The door opened to reveal the woman, smiling encouragingly.

"Wonderful, your parents will appreciate you joining them for your birthday breakfast." She curtsied as Elsa left her bedroom. "Happy Birthday Elsa."

Ah yes, today was her birthday wasn't it. Sixteen years old. It was not any cause for her to celebrate though. She had spent half her life in hours of lonely isolation now. Eight years imprisoned by her fears away from Anna. She swallowed nervously as Gerda led her to the dining room. If she was fortunate Anna would still be asleep, no force on earth could part the younger princess and her bed.

"Good morning Elsa!" A cheerful voice called, Elsa's heart dropped into her stomach.

"Anna, you're up early." She managed to speak with strength she didn't feel. Her sister sat at the table on one side, her mother and father at each end. A place had been set opposite Anna.

"Of course I am, it's your birthday!" She grinned from ear to ear. "Happy Birthday Elsa!"

"Yes, happy birthday dear heart." Her father smiled from his seat and pointed to the vacant chair. Elsa nodded and took her seat.

"Happy Birthday sweetheart." Her mother smiled and inched a fingertip closer to Elsa's hand resting on the table-top. Elsa pulled away quickly, trying to ignore the hurt look on her Mama's face. It was too dangerous to touch, they knew that.

"Thank you Mama, Papa, Anna." Elsa bowed her head, focusing on the blue irises reflected back from the polished surface of the table. Her line of sight was interrupted by a plate put into place and the rattle of the service trolley forestalled further conversation.

The scents that reached her were all her favorites, chocolate sauce and krumkakes, soft boiled egg and fresh toast, the aroma of her preferred tea blend escaped the pot. "Thank you." She repeated as the food was served. Anna beamed from her seat as her elder sister neatly sliced the egg-tip and took a few bites of the chocolate drizzled krumkake.

"It was all my idea. I knew you'd like it." The rambunctious younger princess jiggled in her seat and gestured around, her hand knocked the egg-cup but it only rocked.

"Thank you Anna." Elsa looked up and smiled, a genuine warm smile which Anna delighted in receiving. But the sun shone in a perfect beam, a cloud had moved aside, it lit up the pale streak in the copper shaded braids. A permanent brand, a reminder always of Elsa's culpability, the harm she had caused.

A glacier formed in her tea, the boiling liquid lost the fight to the sudden burst of emotion. Elsa knew her hands were shaking now, her parents shared concerned looks. 'Don't feel, don't fee. Don't Feel…' she thought so hard, to pull back the woe, the pain. She had lost her appetite now.

Anna was oblivious; one of the few gifts life had given Elsa that day. "Hey, we could have a party! With music and dancing and ice-cream and chocolate!"

"No Anna. I don't want a party." Elsa put down her tea and neatly placed her cutlery over the barely eaten meal.

"Well what do you want then?" Anna's voice was moving from cheerful to annoyed and her expressive face was changing too.

"Anna…" Their father said warningly.

"What? I just would like to know why Elsa is yet again refusing any fun!" she waved her arm in the air. "She'll only be sixteen once y'know." Anna stabbed a fork at her breakfast.

"I would like to go to my room. May I be excused?" Elsa looked to her mother and then her father. For a moment they looked about to object but they saw her draw her hands together in her lap and turn her face downwards.

"Of course Elsa," Her father sighed. "As today is your birthday you can have the day off from your studies also."

"Thank you Papa." She rose from her seat and keeping her gaze set to the floor and hurried away. In the hallway she heard Anna's raised voice.

"Why does she hate me! And Fun! And anything, everything but staying in her room!"

"Oh Anna… If only I could hate you." Elsa whispered, guiltily. It would make things so much easier if she really could just let go of the love and embrace the opposite. To let it wash away the guilt and pangs from her conscience at every milestone missed, every request ignored or denied. She was leaned against the wall and a familiar feeling of ice at her back moved her away.

The traces of frost weren't thick, already melting away in the sunlight in fact, but Elsa fled to her room just the same. Throwing the door closed.

"Don't feel." She breathed to the lonely room. Elsa wished she could send all her emotions away, to just empty out. Maybe then, with nothing inside her, the ice could take that space instead of fighting to escape. Maybe then the dreams wouldn't taunt her with their golden promises. Maybe then the ice would be content in dwelling behind blue eyes.

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Just a little character study on Elsa as she is growing up. I highly recommend Within Temptation's cover of Behind Blue Eyes, I have been listening to their new album via youtube videos and the links to the covers were in the sidebar. While the original track is lovely, that cover fits this story and was what sparked this story.

Also I love Within Temptation, the first group I bought an album for... (gosh, ten years ago or more...)

I hope this was enjoyed and I am still writing my other stories, just making sure they are good updates even if they are infrequent.


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